Trust In Us
'I worry most when my mom and dad argue'
As a community worker back in the 1980s, my work took me into the local schools,
where from time to time my task was to conduct assemblies to children from 7 to
11 years old. Each week I would try to explore a different theme, and as the weeks
and months rolled by, the challenge not to repeat myself became greater and greater.
I found myself on one particular week completely stuck for an idea and I set out
on my journey to the school hoping that a good idea would come from somewhere. Within
moments of starting, the idea came to give the children an opportunity to explore
their thoughts and feelings around the subject of worry. I began by asking them
about the things that they considered to be worrying their grandparents. I then
turned to their moms, and then their dads and finally moved the subject round to
the things that worried them. Initially, the children spoke about playground bullying,
exams, how to get into the football team and things like that. It was then that
one of the younger children put his hand up and said ‘Mr Lee, I worry most when
my mom and dad argue.’
The first thing that struck me, was that the underlying noise that is always present
in a group of 250 or so children, suddenly dropped away. You could have heard a
pin drop in the hall. My initial reaction to the question was to ask those who were
sat at the back whether they had heard the boy. They all put their hands up to confirm
that they had. I then asked how many of the children in the hall worried when their
moms and dads argued.
All the hands went up.
The start of The Journey
As the assembly came to an end, I found myself surrounded with 25 or 30 children
in various states of distress, clearly indicating their need to talk to someone
about what was going on in their lives at home. This sad and rather shocking experience
had a profound impact on me. Not least because I knew what it was like to grow up
in a home where parents argue. I’d experienced that. Most people do. But I’d also
put my own children through that when I became a father and it struck me that at
no time had my children ever spoken to me in the way that those children had that
morning. I saw for myself that very often the last people children can speak to
are their parents. Their fear of making things worse than they already are prevents
them from doing that.
In 1991, after a period of training, came the irresistible urge to take this experience
forward, and to be able to offer an opportunity to children, in the school setting,
for them to be able to explore many of the themes that were part of their day to
day experience within their families. We decided to do this by writing family themed
projects which would use music, drama and dance. We hoped that by using this approach,
together with discussion, some written work and circle time, we would be able to
encourage the children to express themselves in whatever way they felt comfortable.
This whole-class, project led approach, gave every child the same opportunity, to
say what they wanted to say, in their own time and in their own way regardless of
their experience.
Making a Breakthrough
Lyn and I would very much have liked to have been able to follow up these term-length
projects by working more intensively with the children, who had identified themselves
through the process. Our training and counselling qualifications had put us in a
position to be able to do this. Sadly though, difficulty in identifying funding
sources meant that we were constantly moving on from school to school, just at the
point where the project work had led to significant breakthroughs with some of the
most challenging children.
As time moved on, however, momentum began to gather around the whole issue of supporting
children, who these days are describe as being ‘vulnerable’. More and more research
evidence pointed to family breakdown as being the underlying cause behind most of
the social ills that affect so many of our children and young people. A change of
emphasis by central government began to make it possible to identify limited sources
of funding to carry out much needed follow up work. We were finally able to embark
on that which we had wanted to do from the outset. Working with the parents of children
to resolve the issues which were so deeply affecting their children, thereby leading
to noticeable improvements in their happiness and their capacity to relate to others.
From 1997 to 2004, steady but unspectacular growth in the organisation enabled us
to be able to add other skilled and caring people to our team, and we became able
to offer more and more counselling support to schools for their most needy children
and families. Throughout all of the period, the reputation and name of Malachi spread
through Birmingham, to which we have always been committed, and as the numbers of
vulnerable children grew, so more and more demand for our service came along.
A Lasting Legacy
My greatest sadness was the loss of the love of my life and my partner through all
of the Malachi years – my lovely wife Lyn. Her inspirational writing and vibrant
personality are massively missed following her untimely death in August 2007. In
the last weeks of her life she made it clear to me that she wanted to think that
our legacy would continue. I see that wish fulfilled on a daily basis through the
commitment of all the staff that currently work for Malachi. The work is always
challenging and has the capacity to tire the most enthusiastic of workers. But to
those who really care for children there is nothing more satisfying than seeing
a deep and intractable family situation turned around, with all of the attendant
outcomes that follow. Happier children. Parents able to pick up lost ambitions.
A sense of belief in a positive future.
What Next
If this story has touched you, or if what we do interests you in any way, then explore
this site. You’ll find out much more about us and what we might be able to do for
you, wherever you are, in building up your own family or maybe the families with
whom you work.